I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
