I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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