Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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