What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
