I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
