It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
