If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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