You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
