you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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