just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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