You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
