sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
