my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Oh god it's open bar.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
