I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
