Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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