You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
