We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
