I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
