i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
