Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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