just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
why is half of my head shaved?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
