i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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