He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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