Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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