My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
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I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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