Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
