...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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