He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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