I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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