i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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