bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
