I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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