I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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