Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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