I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
