just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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