whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
