Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm bleeding and have questions
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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