So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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