remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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