I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
