how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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