My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So much Jack, so little girl.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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