Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
