So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
