1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
