the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
