i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
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the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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