I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
