Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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