one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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