first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i may or may not be watching the land before time
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's blow job season.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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