in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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