I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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