My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
