just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
